TT – The Tourists Have Landed
13 things I hate about this time of year:
1. Tourist season
2. Tourists who don’t know how to drive
3. Tourists who don’t understand the concept of one-way streets
4. Tourists who don’t understand that when you have a red light, pedestrians go first. We have that little flashy green thing that tells us to walk.
5. Tourists who ask you to take their picture while you are running to the office, talking on the cell, sending emails via the blackberry, carrying your vente non-fat, no water, chai tea latte, a briefcase and your laptop bag.
6. Tourist who ignore those GINORMOUS no left turn signs on Market Street and block traffic there by ensuing the wrath of all the other drivers and inciting massive horn honking battles.
7. Tourist who dive in the carpool, transit only lanes and then get flustered when the cabbies start yelling obscenities at them and the Muni busses push them forward.
8. Tourist who try to pass on the right side of Muni busses. Why yes, your car will get squished and Muni will not stop for you to swap licenses and evaluate damages. They need to drop off their riders and, most important in their day, grab a donut from Happy Donuts before the next run.
9. Tourists who run after the Cable Car. Dudes, they are not stopping for you. Wait for the next one.
10. Tourists who call SF, Frisco… boy that ticks the natives off. Just don’t do it.
11. Tourists who walk about saying how cute everything is. Oh the cable cars are cute, Oh the buildings are so cute, Oh the people on the street in North Beach are cute, Oh the seals are cute, Oh Coit Tower was so cute, Oh the flowers on the streets are so cute, Oh all the public art is so weird… but cute, Oh look at her running with all her crap to the office almost getting killed by a stupid tourist in a car… she’s so cute.
12. Tourists that tell you the best meal they’ve ever eaten in their life was at the Bubba Gump on Fisherman’s Wharf. Seriously? People, you need to get out more. I’d additionally advise to never, never, NEVER say this in front of one of the several award winning chefs in the area.
13. Tourist who walk around Chinatown in disgust by all the open air markets, live poultry in cages, freshly killed chickens hanging by their feet in store windows, tubs of fresh fish swimming about, people speaking in Chinese, the smell, the dirt, the laundry hanging from the windows and muttering to each other about speaking in English only – this is America after all. People – This is where they live… not you. If you want everyone to be like you, don’t travel.
The bonus perk of tourist season – being asked, in language, if I speak Spanish, Italian, French, Portuguese, Greek, Arabic, Croatian, Armenian, Hungarian, and so forth… I must have the most generic Mediterranean looking face possible.